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Questioning God
Sounds prideful? Outlandish? Rude? At times it really is.
When I am most angry at my circumstances is when it becomes a question of pride. When I put my own feelings on a pedestal and my questions become more of a demand. When I am so frustrated I’m throwing a fit, this is when questioning God becomes a problem.
It also becomes a problem when my insecurity speaks guilt into my soul. Pride is a problem, but insecurity is like a different form of pride, or is it the same? Pride says I am more important than God, insecurity says I am too un-important for God. Pride says I am more than God, insecurity says God is not enough for me.
When I am in a state of pride I say that my questions are more important than God Himself. When I am in an insecure state I say God’s grace is not sufficient for my questioning.
But sometimes I get to be right in the sweet center of these two extremes.
I am neither demanding answers nor denying the existence of my questions, but instead seeing a need for resolution. Right now I am in this sweet center, so I want to take advantage by writing down my end goal before I swing away.
For months now questions have been creeping into my mind. Questions that have been scare and intimidate me. They all focus around one entity: God. Who is He, how can I know? How does this determine how I make choices? These questions started out just as empty words with a question mark at the end, but slowly became like a common belief. As an example: how can I really know Jesus is God? Yes the bible says so, but why should I trust the bible? Wait, does the bible really say so, or is this just information I’ve heard that I’m just accepting as truth?
I would try to shake them off, blinking really hard as if I could open my eyes and the scary monster would magically disappear. But they stayed, throughout the day, the evening, the week, and the months leading me to today.
So now I embrace the questions (or I try to, maybe Jesus won’t send me to hell for asking them after all…) But this brings me to another problem: I am not an expert in anything to do with religion or faith. I have no educational background in these matters, I am a teacher with relatively few connections to the church, and no connections to experts in the church. I am a tired, young wife and educator. I’m still trying to survive this school year with relatively few hours in a day. I’m still trying to figure out who I am, and what I want to focus my time on (the classroom, family, community, questioning?)
I say all of this in my attempt to count the cost.
Not that I can count perfectly prior to this journey. But first and foremost, it will take time. I have prayed for revelations (don’t hate, I’m tired and a revelation would take a lot less time), but God does not seem to be leaning towards that route. I have read the bible and been confused in the process feeling alone in my confusion. Once I tried YouTube only to be disappointed.
Now I am going with a new approach. I have started to reach out to people who may have resources or the connections that I lack.
This brings me to the next cost, humility. Like I said, I swing between insecurity and pride, so being in a state where I can ask my question simply for an answer is difficult. By asking questions I open myself up to criticism (put on that helmet! Protect yourself from the flaming arrows of the satan!). Not only for asking the questions but also for how I ask them. Already I have been corrected in my approach, and though at first frustrated, I realized that it was a great correction and has reshaped my approach. But how many more times will my question itself be criticized, and am I up for this challenge? Can my ego handle it?
I can’t count the costs of the journey fully when I am only at the start, but I can at least attempt to, and I pray that this will be exactly what I call it, a journey. As I step away from the bubble that I have been in my whole life, the bubble of a Christian God with republican policies, of a manGod who I hold at arm’s length, I trust that God is and will be bigger than this bubble, that His grace will be sufficient, and that He will lead me to answers.
I will be asking the following questions one at a time, in the following order:
- Is there a God?
- Which God is the God? Is there only one?
- Why is the bible viewed as accurate? As a Holy and True source?
- In specific Paul’s writing.
- How should one approach reading the bible?
- Why is Jesus special? What makes Him God? Why is He the only way?
- How does this affect how people make choices? How can one be considered a follower or Christ or a Christian?
- Where are there freedoms/liberties in Christ, where are there absolutes?
- In specific, what does the bible really say about homosexuality and marriage?
If at any point I arrive to a negative answer, for example, I tackle question number one and arrive at the conclusion that there is no God, then I will stop my search for answers, as the remaining questions stem from the previous questions.
I need to also state that I am obviously biased in my search. Not necessarily for Christianity, but of the Jewish God. There is just something about his fierce devotion to his people that makes me love Him. In this process I hope to grow to know Him better, and if Jesus really is, his Son as well. May God be gracious, my husband supportive, and my heart mind and soul persistent.
I wrote this several weeks ago and have already begun the process of seeking answers. I am posting this now because after many many frustrating months I have finally reached a point of peace in my questions, no longer feeling angry or guilty for having them.
My husband supported this effort best while reading about the next steps I have taken:
“I don’t want to rob you of this journey, but know that I have asked these same questions before, and that I have found answers, I know you will too. I’m here to talk when you want to.”
I hope in some way to encourage you as I am encouraged while Questioning God.
imperfectperspective 