Second grade.  I don’t remember the why.  But I remember the who: me, the what: stress, the where: Pleasant Ridge Elementary,  but I don’t remember the why.  However, I do remember the moment.  Something had caused me to suddenly feel a surge of anxiety.  My little girl self was panicking and scared about something…. something.  When out of nowhere a strong sense of warm calm flooded my pounding heart and I simply heard “you do not need to worry… remember this.”

All the panic left me instantly.  The why I forgot, but I remembered.

I still remember.  “You do not need to worry… remember this.”

We all have moments, moments that define us, shape us, change us.  I’ve had moments like the one in second grade, moments that seem seconds long but will continue to affect me decades later, and I’ve had moments like my depression sophomore year of college that seemed to last decades at the time, but seem like seconds when I found myself collapsing after the storm finally passed.

Moments like when I finally stopped running and fell to my knees before Him my freshman year.

Moments like when I said goodbye to Tim swearing that I had made up my mind and walking away only to know my heart was left with him.

Moments like when I finally said yes, abandoning fear, and married the love of my life, my partner, and my best friend.

Moments when God finally gives me clarity after a season of confusion.

I’m having a moment, and I have no idea what the why is again. I just know the who: me, the what: God, the where: Houston, and the when: now, for months and most likely months to come, if not years.

Things haven’t been right for a while. My heart has been discontent with out reason.  As I have chosen in the past, I stepped away from my Father, avoiding him, getting angry with Him.  I assumed He was angry with me, comparing me to the many better people there are in the world.

I could feel Tim and I being uprooted, both of our hearts simultaneously disconnecting from where we are, and the sense that change was on the horizon.

The realization that I didn’t know where I would be in a year, sent me on a mission to create my own future.

I started to watch as friends invested in homes and welcomed precious babies into the world.  I decided this was where Tim and I needed to be heading.  We made sure we set our funds on track for this, and we created dozens of scenarios that led to payment of student loans, homes, babies, friends, careers, etc. We set dates.  We planned, and I pretended to pray, saying empty words to God while keeping him at arms length.

Rewind back to August for a second: I’m in Starbucks reading Kisses from Katie, a beautiful book about a woman who does exactly what I want to always do, Love the Lord, and love others.  She is a mom to 13 beautiful children in Uganda, she is my age and single.  While I read her detailed descriptions of each precious child I began to cry.  Please note, I’m in Starbucks, a public place, crying.

And that’s when it started, my heart breaking for children.

This is a significant change in my life because up until August, I had one view on who kids were: tiny unpredictable little monsters.

Children have always scared the living crap out of me.  If you made me talk to one on my own I would stand and stare awkwardly trying to talk to the tiny human like a grown adult.  If I found a rare child that actually liked me despite my awkwardness I would get so scared I would avoid the child out of fear that I would run out of things to say.

I am not EVEN kidding right now.

But something started happening in me, in my heart.  God started moving and my heart started breaking.  I began desiring to just love kids, to hug them, and tell them how beautiful and smart they are.   I wanted to tell children how loved and precious they are.  I just needed to be around children.

I had an opportunity to be at a clinic the drill team hosted and I loved it.  My heart melted at the sight of the little ponytails and smiles.  I spent the whole day chasing little girls around the gym, picking them up when they fell, giving countless hugs, and telling every girl I could how beautiful they were. What was once awkwardness and fear turned into unexplained joy with children.

This just hasn’t stopped. It’s not always at the surface, but it is always there.

But Tim and I have talked, and we know that children are not for us right now.  And everything else we have tried to create, just isn’t for us, and it is frustrating and scary, and frustrating, did I mention that?

This moment isn’t one of definition, but almost the opposite, it is a moment of unraveling, a time of questioning and no understanding.

God seems to be swirling in and around Tim and I, pulling us… somewhere.

I think God is pulling us somewhere.

But first, before we get to the where, we are being pulled from the here.

I’m so frustrated!

God is disconnecting us from something, He is breaking me down every day.  Making me question my dedication and analyze just how much I am willing to give. But why?

I have so many questions and I have no answers.

I just feel different and it scares me. Why aren’t Tim and I in a place where we are investing in homes, and babies, or vacations, or just something.  Why? Why? Why?

I am being broken down, and God keeps pointing me to Him, and I get angry and frustrated.  I am so scared to trust in God, for a very foolish reason.  I am always worried that God does not have a plan for me.  That I could sell everything and move somewhere, or sell everything and just stay here to Love God and others, but that God would forget about me in the process.

I go back and forth between surrender to denial.

No… God could not have a specific plan for me.  Maybe people like Katie in that book, or for people in full time missions, but there is no way He has a plan for me, I am just too insignificant.

These thoughts and fears overwhelm me.

But I have moments where I just know, this is not true, that there is a plan and that I need to be chasing it.

I am so scared, I feel so panicked, so worried.

“You do not need to worry… remember this.”

“You do not need to worry… remember this.”

Please pray for Tim and I.   My whole being wants answers.  I want to know.

I don’t want to worry, but I am full of sorrow and longing, wanting to just know something.

I don’t need the full picture, I just want something.

But God is perfect in His timing, my year of teaching is only half way over, and I know I have many more students to love, many more nights of focus on my work, and much more breaking down before God reveals our next step.

I do not need to worry, I remember.

Advertisements