I’m drinking my first pumpkin spice latte of the season, and it is delicious.   I wish I could say I was super content and happy sipping on my Starbucks right now, but truth be told I’m really just annoyed and frustrated.

Great way to start a blog entry right?

I’m annoyed because for the past nearly month I just haven’t been writing.

I’ve been living for people and not for my God and I have been miserable.  Trying to live up to people’s standards is awful.  Worrying about what people will think is endless.  Feeling pressure to write what was “right” led me to writing nothing at all.

Add this to the fact that time spent in and with my Father has been nonexistent and you have a very grouchy, very self-centered Hailey.

Am I writing right?

I’m so sick of worrying about this, because if I were focused on the One who can tell me, I wouldn’t have to worry at all.  Once again, I’m worried about people.

Why do I write?

To love.  To love the people who are just as human and confused as me.  To help others find the answers I myself am also seeking.  My words aren’t the end all be all of truth, but in love and encouragement I hope pieces of truth can be found.

I am so human, and for this I have felt so guilty the past few months.  So wrong for my honesty in my own humanity.  And where does this come from? Not my God.  Not my God.

I have hid for so long it feels now from people, what they may think, and worse what they may say…

The past month has been hard and I’m tired of hiding and sorting through it in the dark, in isolation.

Has anyone ever felt insecure?  Have you ever felt insecure?

Has anyone ever doubted that they could be something? Have you?

Has anyone ever looked back on a moment, a time, and shuddered in regret? Have you?

Because I have.  This past month my insecurities have skyrocketed from no where.  I doubt that I have what it takes to love greatly, lead greatly, speak greatly, things I long to do. I am remembering things I have said to people, things I have done and I’m embarrassed.  So embarrassed by my past.

Every time I sit down to write my post I see that one person, those two people, that complain.  I hear that voice that says “you can’t do this, no one wants to hear from you.”

Writing right…

Is there such a thing?  Surely there are aspects, but is there any way to write perfectly right?

I don’t think so.

My gift, from God, is my humanity.  His permission, to be human, to be messy.  My entries may say too many things some days in all the wrong ways, but that is my mistake to make, and God has given me the freedom to make those mistakes.

His grace is my foundation as I write imperfectly.

How many times will I write the same things before people fully understand: I am not perfect, I don’t have to be, He already is for me.

How many times will I write this before I fully believe it myself?

At the end of the day, this pressure, this insecurity, is only permitted by myself.  Just because people say things, doesn’t mean I have to be affected by them.  

How long will it take for me to understand this?

How long will it take for me to fully understand in my heart, that it is okay to be human.  To be imperfect.

Writing right.

I’m sure that there is a way to write right, I already know some of the basics.  I know what pearls not to throw before potential swine.  I know what options to speak delicately about.  I know I have a lot left to learn.

But will I let myself learn?

Will I let myself fall so that I can get back up, or will I shut down at one negative comment?

How devoted am I to my cause? My God?

Am I willing to get dirty, to be gritty?

So many questions and only one response: My God I hope so.

Of all the entries I have written, this is the one with the least resolution.  I think it needs to be that way.

This captures my limited perspective.  I will not always have the answers, I only hope I’ll always be willing to search for them.

This is me, this is my humanity, the day I’m no longer taken aback by it will be a beautiful one.

 

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