It’s funny how quickly I can become overly concerned about me.  Specifically others’ perceptions of me.  I needed to take a break from blogging due to the fact that I started worrying more about people “liking” my posts than sticking to the purpose of my blog: to document my journey as this new chapter of my life unfolds.  I started thinking along lines of what my viewers liked to read about instead of what was going on in my life.  At one point I honestly considered writing a blog devoted to the fights Tim and I have had because my entry TheFirstFight  has received the most hits (seriously I get like a few followers and all of a sudden I think I’m some big shot blogger who needs to maintain a following… really Hughes? wait, I mean Hendricks… still adjusting to that).

I didn’t want to deal with the MeMonster because of blogging so I stepped away for awhile to make sure my focus stayed on loving Him and loving others, and not loving what others thought about me, which has been really hard to do! I’ve also stepped away from facebook, almost entirely because at this point it has just gotten depressing.  When you leave a community … you leave the entire community and you really mourn the loss of that community.  However, when a person, or two, leave a community, life in the community keeps going.  The community probably misses those who left, but life’s rhythms aren’t entirely changed.  Because of this it’s really hard to see how friends and family are just going about business as usual while my business has turned inside out, upside down, without anyone I’ve grown to love over my 23 years.  It’s not a bad thing that the rhythm of life keeps going, it’s a beautiful thing, it just stinks to be on the outside looking in while Tim and I are still in this awkward limbo seeking community.

We have found a good bible study, one where I believe we will flourish, and we are getting acquainted with new people, but acquaintances and friends are far from the same thing and acquaintances don’t fill that God designed desire for deep and intimate community.  So we are in limbo now, officially gone so long from our original home that life’s rhythms have changed and evolved without us, while we look on from 12 hours away getting bits and pieces of what is happening, but not yet here long enough to begin seeing where we are on the inside while we begin being apart of something and somewhere new.  And it hurts.  It hurts the heart so much to be without community.

Still this is a beautiful thing, and though we feel the pain of not being with the people we love, we sense a joy that we are only now beginning to explain.

I’m not sure when it dawned on me.  Maybe it was while I was driving to work, the job I love, on the roads that have become second nature (rhythmic) on my daily commute, or maybe it was while I was on my way to ACT Houston, driving on 5 lane highways during rush hour in the city, which suddenly is feeling more natural (rhythmic).  Whenever it was, I was behind the wheel, thinking and thanking through this calm confidence that has been growing within me since June 15th.  Many theories had passed my mind as to why this confidence has grown.  Maybe it was Tim,  because he was able to bring out the best in me, or my job because for the first time I’m doing something that I love, or even just not being in school because I didn’t have to deal with the intense workload or stress that had become my worst and closest friend it had seemed over the past 4 years.

But in one clear instance it was made known to me the reason for my calm confidence: for the first time in my life I was becoming me.

100% me the way I was created to be.

            All my life I have struggled between two things: 

  1. Trying to live up to a set of self defined expectations that I thought would give me worth
  2. Trying to live up to my perceived perceptions I thought others had about me

Let me elaborate.  In college I got two majors, two relatively difficult majors, I worked part time, did YoungLife, was in a sorority, did leadership for the sorority, did leadership for YoungLife, tried to play my role at church etc.  Not because I’m a super good person, but because I thought I needed to look like a super good person.  I needed to look smart, look caring, look strong, so I way overdid it trying to be these things to other people, and in the process I made myself miserable.  That was just in the “success” and “self-worth” areas.  Simultaneously I had this notion of other people’s perceptions of me and I felt I needed to be consistent with those.  Some thought of me as serious and loud in my opinions, some thought of me as shy, others funny, others smart… I had these roles that had, in my mind, been forming since high school and I needed to some how keep them going, keep being the person people thought I was… which was not consistent and a lot to juggle.

So basically it was a good move on God’s part picking me up and placing me in an entirely new place because all of a sudden no one had any perceptions of me.  Suddenly I had nothing to lose and I wasn’t worried about gaining anyone’s approval.  I had learned the lesson to rely on God and find my worth in Him, so if people disliked me, that was fine, God liked me and he would help me find another person who would too.

At first I thought I was putting on a show everywhere I went.  I mean, who was this girl who smiled all the time, cracked jokes (some funny others not) with out hesitation, had a positive outlook constantly, worked hard with out complaint, enjoyed driving on city roads?  Could initiate conversation with anyone, anywhere, at any time, about anything, awkward or not, and walk away feeling confident in what had taken place?  Who was this person that prayed about anything that popped in her mind, and didn’t second guess it? Who was this person that was becoming more in-tune with the Spirit inside her? Who was this person? She kept showing up… consistently, and quite frankly I liked her.  It took me a while to realize that this new girl was me…

I’m not trying to build myself up to be some super awesome person, me is still very selfish, short tempered, and human.  However, me is way better than the “me” I thought I needed to be.

I know I’m happier than ever because I’m in a place where my mind can’t get in the way (at least not all the time) so God can finally start showing me His daughter, the daughter he made, and loves, and delights in.

God knows me better than I know myself.  He knew, all along, who I was trying to be, and how to help me see who I’m meant to be.  I’m meant to be Hailey Hendricks, married to a man who brings out my best qualities and balances out my weaknesses.  I’m a teacher, meant to interact with people, to instruct, organize, create, laugh, and love passionately.  I’m in Texas, far away from everything I’m familiar with, exposed, so for the first time I have no one and nothing to hide behind, but instead am forced to face the real me.  And I like me.

I’m not self obsessed now, by no means, I was before! I know that now looking back, but now I’m simply flourishing.  Finally I’m flourishing.  For so long I’ve wanted to find my music, like Mozart had his, and I have.  Not without a few bumps in the road, but I know that I can flourish, which drives me to learn, and rest, and do the best I can.  I am flourishing as Tim’s partner, as a teacher, and yes, a Texan.  All because I am finally free, just to be me, to delight in who God made me to be, to delight in who he made others to be, and to flourish.  It is a wonderful, beautiful, humbling experience to be free to be me.

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