Humility and arrogance.

humility and arrogance

humility and arrogance

I feel like I could just keep typing these words over and over and over, like I could continue mulling over them for days on end, like I could seek understanding of where they are in my heart, and never feel at peace, never grasp the truth.

humility

arrogance

me

I feel like I had my eyes opened to humility, true humility… for like 30 seconds.  And then after that arrogance just set on fire in my heart.

I talked with the teacher who is mentoring me through my first year at Raines (she is truly amazing, such an inspiration and a fabulous role model, I can’t believe God has put yet another person in my life who has such an understanding and love for Him) about the importance of humility.  I don’t know her full story yet, I truly hope one day I will, but I have a sense that she has been a huge impact on many people and has played a radical role in altering the paths that many of her students were on prior to their time in her class.  I also have a sense that she is fully aware of this, that others are fully aware of this, and that she has n0 arrogance in any of it.

As I confessed my insecurity in coming up with lesson plans she encouraged me to pray, telling me God would give me ideas.  She said that she has been doing this for the past 4 years since she came to Raines and that God has shown her how to help her students succeed (that’s when I noticed the teacher of the year award she has sitting on her desk, subtly, only where she can see really…).  Wow.

Pray to God about lessons? That’s a crazy idea, crazy… yet so simple right? Yet part of me felt hesitant.

This was quickly followed by her encouragement to seek humility from the Lord constantly.  To always realize that the goodness comes from Him and then through the teacher.  Her recommendation was to wake up every morning and get on your face and pray to the Lord that He would keep you humble.

Wow. That’s quite the image.

Her words stuck with me, but in a foreign way. I had never experienced this trust, courage, and humility that comes from relying on God for everything, including lesson plans.

That weekend I read Romans 9 and 10 and God opened my eyes to see, my ears to hear, and my heart to trust.  The scales fell from my eyes and I sat in utter humility before the God of gods, the Lord of lords, and the King of kings.

Therefore God has mercy on whom he wants to have mercy, and he hardens whom he wants to harden. One of you will say to me: ‘Then why does God still blame us? For who is able to resist his will?’ But who are you, a human being, to talk back to God?’Shall what is formed say to the one who formed it, ‘Why did you make me like this?’ Does not the potter have the right to make out of the same lump of clay some pottery for special purposes and some for common use?”

Romans 9:18-21

If I’m being completely honest, this is something I would typically either ignore or get angry with. I would usually go into detail about the frustrations and fears that typically arise when I read this, but I no longer can.  I am the pot, and for some reason, I can no longer question my pot maker.  However I can admit the sadness I feel at the idea of my God hardening someone’s heart.  I imagine that sadness reflects his heart more so than my own.

I can also say that the following verses bring me much comfort and peace.

“Then Isaiah is so bold as to say,
“I have been found by those who did not seek me;
I have shown myself to those who did not ask for me.”
But of Israel he says, “All day long I have held out my hands to a disobedient and contrary people.”

Romans 10:20-21

And once again, I quote people far smarter than myself:

“The prophecy of Isa. 65:1 has been fulfilled in that the Gentiles who did not seek after God have now experienced God’s saving promises.  Israel, on the other hand, has fulfilled the words of Isa. 65:2. They have rebelled against and disobeyed the gospel message.  Still, God extends his hands to them, inviting them to be saved.  On the one hand, God predestines some to be saved. On the other hand, God still longs for all to be saved… Though it may seem impossible to understand how both of these statements are true, the Bible teaches both, and one should not use either truth to deny the other.”

-Smart people

Thank the Lord I have a God who loves and longs for all to be saved.  I can not question my pot maker, but I can find peace in knowing He is good.  The only perfectly good thing that exists.

After reading these words I left with an unshakable peace that transcended all understanding.  I felt more than confident in the truth I have picked up my cross for, I felt courageous. I felt humbly courageous.

Humility in knowing who God is, and having an accurate understanding of who I am in comparison to, and belonging in Him. 

Please don’t confuse this with insecurity.  I have never felt more confident.  I have never known a security in my identity like I did in the presence of sheer awe and respect for my Lord.  I have also never felt less important. Never been so ready to serve.

I woke up the next morning and thanked my God for who He was. I acknowledged my fear of Him and my respect for Him.  He was God and I was not.  He was calling the shots and I could NOT be more okay with that.

Humility is beautiful

Humility breaths freedom

Humility makes way for life

I wish that could have lasted.

The following day I woke again and I noticed instantly the humility inside of me was not present, or if it was I didn’t feel it.

“Oh crap… I’m going to have to choose to be humble today…”

Immediately arrogance filled me.

Why should I have to give thanks today?  Why should I have to talk or learn from people in this new place?  Why should I go out of my way? Why should I . . . me. myself. and I.

arrogance is ugly

arrogance fuels corruption

arrogance leads to death

I understand the words I’m using to describe arrogance are strong, however I have never felt so hardened as when I am focused on me.   I have felt both spiritually alive and nearly dead, and the times that I feel spiritually wasted are the times I am most focused on me

I am arrogance

the cross is humility

Sometimes I feel like I’m my own prison, and I know the only way to escape my cell, my prison, myself is to fall at the foot of the cross and just let my self, my arrogance, die.

Maybe that’s whats going on.  Maybe I’m finally putting the me monster to death so that the daughter of Christ whom I’m meant to be can be fully resurrected along with Christ.

Maybe I’m just going crazy… who knows.

I know that it’s painful.  I know that it’s peaceful. I know that is awesome. I know that it’s infuriating. I know that it’s exhausting.

But most of all, what ever it is,  I know that it’s liberating.

Putting me to death, so that I can finally be free to be the me I’m meant to be.

Make sense of that one.

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