This week has been weird.  This weekend I was just so tired the whole time.  Sunday we went to church which was being held for the first time in a new building.  Everyone (of which I know no one still) was super excited and emotional and for some reason I got super frustrated by it, which made me feel super guilty, and so I became super confused.

Tuesday I went to a staff meeting on “procedure” where everyone talked about the importance of sticking to the “procedures” that had been agreed upon during the weeks of training leading up to the start of school.  Weeks of training I was not a part of because I was not yet an employee, and I was confused.  I also received news about the direction my class was going, in our overall objectives (TAKS v. EOC if you know what that means) which apparently could have been wrong (we’re still sorting through it) and I was confused.

Wednesday came and I was relieved that Tim and I would be going to a bible study where I was hoping to get me a whole lotta selah (if ya know what I mean… peace rest meditation).  I was in for a surprise.  I was so tired I could barely keep my eyes open to talk to people (thankfully food was served and was super delicious)  and when we sat down to begin the study portion something just clicked inside me.

These people are talking weird.  They are using weird words.  The intonation is weird.  Everything is weird and different. . .

This state is so freaking big.

and so freaking conservative.

Is anyone in this room liberal?  I miss living with liberals and atheists.  Is this politically correct? probably not…. 

I miss living in the blue. So much red everywhere.

There is so much money in this state.  What was that conversation I heard this morning? A couple who bought two Porches just for the hell of it?

If there really are so many christians in this state, then why are there families with two luxury cars and extreme poverty existing at the same time?

 Why are the churches SO big… do we really need coffee shops inside churches? I miss the cheap black coffee on fold out tables with wooden sticks and powdered cream.

This place is too big.

Everyone talks weird.

I’m so confused, where do I belong?

Yes. Living in the bible belt has finally taken its toll on me, and I just can’t deny it any longer.  I can’t keep joking around like it’s funny because it’s not, it’s infuriating.  I’m not saying there aren’t true brothers and sisters in Christ down here, there definitely are, I’ve been blessed to meet some of them.  “Christianity” is just kind of the norm here… and it bothers me a lot.

But I realized today, as I was trying not to stew in my frustration, that the state of Texas is not evil (although I find it odd, the infatuation Texas has with itself…), and it is not the sole cause of my confusion.  Moving to a new state with a new culture has not been the only change in my life recently.

I am no longer going to school where I can meet up with people my age on a whim and talk freely about how God is working in our lives or exchange prayer requests.  With my new schedule it would no longer be wise to host a bible study, attend a bible study, and take on a leadership role in a church while working a job.  Tim and I now only have one night where we go to be with community, rather than say 7 nights.  Living in community looks different when you work full time, and I wasn’t prepared for that.  I’m used to literally living with community.  Waking up with community, eating with community, walking to and from class with community, serving with community.  No longer having that is so hard.

And being in a city where it takes 20-30 minutes to drive and see community is much more of a challenge than when I walked out my door and was at church in 3 minutes.

I thought the stress of all the changes in my life were over the day I finished unpacking our belongings in Houston, but I was so. very. wrong.  The anxious stress may be over for the most part, but the exhausting, confusing, frustrating stress is just really reaching its peak.

I just wish i had known that last night before we went to the bible study.  Before all of this began clicking inside of me. And before I tried to make a prayer request and began CRYING!

Oh my gosh how embarrassing!

Don’t get me wrong, I’m all about being real and honest with people, and if you’ve known me, well, for like a week you’ve probably seen me at least tear up if not go into a full on waterfall fit.

HOWEVER, I don’t even know these people (like I’m still learning their names… called a guy Bryan all night last week only to find out this week that wasn’t his name, oops).

But then I couldn’t stop. I just tried to disappear into Tim while hot tears ran down my face.  Hot angry confused tears.

And the weirdest part about it all is that I know deep within my heart that all of this, every frustration, confusion, fear, and yes even tear is ok.

know the Lord is watching me.  I know He has a plan for me. I know that He cares for me. I know and He continues to confirm that He put Tim and I here for a reason (though he isn’t letting us in on what that reason is quite yet).  And I am at peace.

Totally and completely at peace deep within my heart, because I love and serve a God who is Holy and Perfect and True.  My confidence is in Him, and that takes a load of pressure off of me.

If I had it my way in this moment I would sing my praises to my God, my King, my Savior, my Redeemer, my Counselor, my Mighty Rock, my Salvation, my Prince of Peace, my Lord, my Love, my Friend, to the Father, the Son, and the beloved Holy Spirit.  But there are not enough words in existence to fully express the goodness of the triune God.

The goodness of a God who is so perfect.

I’m still learning to take life just one day at a time while I learn to navigate through this new world of marriage, employment, and red, so so much red.  However, my trust in the Lord is growing stronger everyday and that has been the biggest blessing I could have ever asked for.  My walk with Christ has taken a shift, in that it is becoming less conditional.  I am not shaken like I have been in the past, so though frustrations are arising God is walking me through it all, and I am trusting Him while He does it.

I love my life, I love my husband, I love my job, and I love this place.  Even though all of these things can at times drive me absolutely crazy, I love them (and yes my husband is among the things that can drive me crazy, I drive him nuts as well).

I continue to say and fully believe that though these things are not easy, they are very good.  And with God’s provision, the major waves of culture shock that I have been experiencing will eventually subside.

I only hope that in the meantime I don’t come off like a crazy person… like I did on Wednesday night.