Last Thursday one of our friends was kind enough to get us tickets to the Astros game here in Houston.   It was  nice to get out of the apartment and Tim and I always love going downtown.  The stadium was super nice, indoors and air-conditioned, we were able to bring in a gallon sized bag full of candy (we both felt very sick later)and it was ultimately very relaxing to just sit and hang out with Tim in a new space.

On the car ride home something strange happened while we were talking about our efforts to find a new community; I started crying, and I kept crying, and crying, and crying, and I cried the whole. way. home. and then some.  I was feeling something that I had never felt (which is weird because I’m like an emotions connoisseur) and it was making me cry.  The crying eventually ceased (thank goodness) but the feeling persisted, and has persisted all week.  It wasn’t until yesterday that I finally figured out what is was: homesickness.

Never in my life have I ever felt homesickness.

Homesickness has to be the weirdest thing ever.  My friend Bridget put it best last night saying “Home sickness is strange.  You can be happy where you are yet still have it.”  And that is the part that is so weird.  In my heart of hearts I know Houston is where I’m supposed to be, and I truly accept this and am glad.  Like I’ve said before, right now things are so exciting in life, everything here is brand new.

I am happy where I am at.  Yet I am still sad and missing home.  They are both existing fully and at the same time, a peace and grieving mutually existing in my heart, everyday, at the same time. It is so strange.

Every morning I wake up and all I can think about is a pumpkin spice latte from signs of life

Every morning I can’t wait to get my puppies to the dog park to watch them run and play

I go to church Sundays, these mega churches that cost millions of dollars to run, and I long for my broke college community

Everyday I long to know what the Lord has in store for Tim and I here, the whos and the whats

I long for Lawrence

I love Houston

I have known for 2 years that Lawrence was not my forever home, without explanation I have known this.  When I packed my bags and made the 12 hour drive with my dad down to this city, I didn’t look back, I didn’t think twice.   Now part of me worries if I have somehow made a mistake: was I ungrateful? Did I not take advantage of my time there?

In all honesty, the answer might be yes.  In all honesty, I don’t think that’s important.  I think what is important is not letting homesickness be in control.  I can appreciate Kansas, but I can’t put it on a pedestal.  I can enjoy my new place, but I can also give myself grace while I go through this transition, grace to feel homesick and not blame myself for it.

Last night Tim and I literally laughed ourselves to sleep, today we got Chinese to celebrate 2 months of being married, almost everyday we bring our two perspectives on life to discuss everything life contains (faith, politics, family, etc.)  and it’s fun.  All the while I feel that sad aching in my heart.  I am happy, and I am sad at the exact same time.   It is so strange, but it is ok.

I don’t know how long this will last, or when I’ll finally wake up and the pumpkin spice latte will no longer cross my mind (or my taste buds), but I will patiently wait (hopefully with few tears).

I miss a lot of things about Lawrence: Signs, Mass Street, Vintage, Young Life, Jayhawk Blvd, more than anything I miss the people. However as the fall semester approaches there is one thing I don’t miss at all: school.  And that makes the homesickness all the more bearable.