It’s true, after three weeks of marriage both Tim and I agree that marriage is not a fairy tale, and that we have no idea what we’re doing.  We’re pretty much ok with both of these things, not knowing what we’re doing can be unsettling at times though.  We have a whole life to work out together from scratch.  How will we handle money (crazy how much money comes up in the real world, no wonder Jesus talked about it so much, I feel like Tim and I have to talk about it all the time!)? How are we going to find a new community? What cell phone plan should we get? Stick to smart phones or go to basic for a while? How will we spend the holidays? What should we eat this week? What TV show will we watch tonight (please not soccer… oh man does this make me a bad wife?).

Already Tim and I have run into a whole lot of questions and we have only a few answers.  Combine this confusion with Tim’s increased work schedule and my consequent loneliness in my new place during unemployment and we just have a whole lot of crazy.  My biggest worry during all of this though is whether or not God is paying attention.  I’m like a little kid lost in a big city (seriously, Houston is huge), and yes I have my best friend, but is God watching? Does He really care? Is there a plan, or does He save plans for those who are in full time service to Him? Are Tim and I not clocking in enough hours to earn a plan?

Of course the answer is YES God is watching, YES of course HE cares, YES there is a plan, and don’t be silly.

I would like to say that all of this is ok, and the questions don’t bother me, but that’s just not true.  The truth is, the world is a scary place with so many pressures, and as I venture out into this world with my whole life ahead of me, it is really hard for me to trust that God has my back.  Because from my perspective it’s hard to picture a God that is capable of loving everyone fully and totally, and equally.  I’ve seen bosses pick favorites, teachers pick favorites, friends pick favorites, and I have never really been among the favored.  So during this time when I am so confused it’s hard to remember that God is not, that He is good, and that yes, indeed, he is taking care of me as I prepare to start a teaching program and while I figure out how to be a wife to my husband as those who are on full time staff at churchy church of the mother theresas of the world (ccotmtotw… it exists look it up!).

So what do I do then? Well I take Tim’s advice, or I try to and r.e.l.a.x. Tim fills one of our Libbey wine glasses to the  brim with Welch’s White Grape Juice (we splurged a little this week) and I start a blog while the puppies sleep and Tim finishes up some work.  We don’t have it all figured out, but we’re going to do our best to enjoy this crazy ride of mismatched furniture, young puppies, excessive use of Google Maps, job hunting, Netflix, and yes, juice in wine glasses (it makes us feel fancy!).  We’re young newly weds and we’re soaking in all of the craziness that brings, hoping to trust and honor the Lord through all of it.

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